Wednesday, August 27, 2008

RMC Smackdown: Wednesday edition

RMC Smackdown: Wednesday Edition

This edition of brilliant smack-talk comes to us courtesy of AYL soccer's Jeremy Horton. His opinions here are necessarily shared by the owners of this blog. So enjoy...

In yesterday's attempt at smack (View From the Couch) , West Nebraska's representative Jason Maxwell called my brother Donk's insights "weak" and "[nothing] new."

So Jason, does that make you the pot or the kettle?

Every time one of the six Crapids fans tries to throw down, inevitably it's nothing but comparisons to RSL, a franchise with a whopping 3 years of soccer under its belt, 2 of which were led by the soccer equivalent of Dopey Smurf. So as one of MLS' original clubs, why don't Colorado fans ever run smack about their team's achievements?

Answer: They can't, because they don't have any.

MLS Cups: Zero.
Supporter's Shields: Zero.
U.S. Open Championships: Zero.

Consider that, during the first 9 years of Colorado's 13-year life, basically all it took to make the playoffs was mailing an application and a check for $45 to the league. Statistically speaking, they should have won something/anything just by sheer dumb luck of the draw. Even former loser/now defunct franchises Tampa Bay and Miami have each won more meaningful trophies than the cRaps, despite the fact that the cRaps have been playing longer than both those franchises combined. If you ask a cRaps fan (assuming you can find one) what trophies his team has, the first words out of his mouth will be "Rocky Mountain Cup!"......and once again we're back to comparisons with RSL.

But I admit, the past is in the past, and when it comes to sports, history has very little to do with the present. So let's check a few current stats: Goals against: cRaps 30, RSL 27. Maybe Mr. Maxwell can explain why, since Pablo Mastroeni "is better than any 3 RSL players put together", the defense he leads has allowed 3 more goals than RSL's defense and is 4th-worst overall in the league? Total points: cRaps 24, RSL 27. Ah yes, the only bit of smack that truly matters. Western Conference position: RSL 2nd, cRaps tied for 4th. It's really going to suck when San Jose leapfrogs you this weekend, isn't it?

So if Salt Lake is fake, what does that make Colorado? I admit my disappointment in seeing Fernando Clavijo go ("hi, I'm Fernando may remember me from such blockbuster trades as 'Clint Mathis for Jeff Cunningham' and 'Mehdi Ballouchy for Kyle Beckerman'"), but I take comfort in seeing that the Gary Smith era is off to an even worse start than the end of the Clavijo era. I look forward to many more years of hand-wringing, underachievement, and empty trophy shelves at The Dick.

With their coaching change, Colorado's story on the field now more or less mirrors the story of their uniforms: After more than a decade of sticking with something really ugly, the cRaps finally decided to retool.....and somehow managed to make things even uglier.